


A Hump in the Road

by solarlotus



Series: Bedtime Stories Collection [2]
Category: The Last Kingdom (TV), The Warrior Chronicles | The Saxon Stories - Bernard Cornwell
Genre: Blow Jobs, Consent, Consent is Sexy, F/M, Finan can't believe his ears, Finan has PTSD from Uhtred's story, Hand Jobs, M/M, Road Trips, Uhtred is turned on by Finan's story, a little bit of crack ship, the boys tell each other their secret shag, traumatised Finan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solarlotus/pseuds/solarlotus
Summary: Uhtred and Finan are on the road to Winchester, by the campfire they share the most surprising sexual encounters they have ever had with differing results.Written for the prompt Uhtred and Finan road trip for TLK fanfic fest
Relationships: Finan & Uhtred of Bebbanburg, Finan/Gisela/Uhtred (implied), Finan/surprise partner, Uhtred/surprise partner
Series: Bedtime Stories Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1806517
Comments: 11
Kudos: 49
Collections: The Last Kingdom Fanfic Fest





	A Hump in the Road

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed this one, unbeta'd so any mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing. It's not meant to be taken very seriously. Thanks to the lovely TLK ladies for support, encouragement and enablement!

It was late summer when the messenger arrived calling Uhtred to the Witan at Winchester. He did not want to go. Witans were tiresome, long and full of priests. But as an ealdorman of Wessex his presence was required, so he bid goodbye to Gisela, her belly blooming again and took just Finan with him on the road. There was much to do in Coccham, for although the reputation of Uhtred of Bebbanbugh was fearsome and kept Danes and Norsemen from attempting to attack Wessex from the Thames the harvest was approaching and his men were needed in the fields, not to make a grand entrance to Winchester.

Finan seemed pleased with the road trip, they travelled light, packing what they needed on their own horses, reluctant to burden themselves with baggage. Finan insisted on taking the food they needed, unwilling to risk Uhtred’s promises to catch him a ‘hog the size of a horse’ and swiping a leg of salted pork from the store rooms instead.

Finally, after farewells and warnings not to rile Alfred, to kill a priest, get into a tavern brawl, go whoring or Viking they were on their way.

The first day’s travel was steady, they chatted amiably all afternoon in the sunshine, dissolving into good natured teasing as the shadows grew longer and their stomachs began to rumble.

‘I could do with a jug of ale served by a handsome maid right now,’ Finan sighed as they made their way along a path through a meadow of wild grass.

‘Will a skein of water from me do?’ Uhtred asked.

‘It’ll have to,’ Finan grunted, taking the skein and drinking deeply. Uhtred watched a trickle of water spill down his chin and grinned. ‘What’s ye ideal maid? No, I know what you’re going to say.’

‘No, you do not!’ Uhtred laughed with feigned indignation.

‘I do, ye will say she’ll have a pretty face and pert tits that will be at the right level when she puts a jug of beer on the table. Ye are so predictable. Ye don’t even care about anything but pert tits.’

‘I do,’ Uhtred laughed. ‘I care about… uh, the size.’ Finan snorted.

‘Ye would have tits serving ale. See, I myself am a much more sophisticated man, we Irish have a proper appreciation of a woman’s form. None of your Danish and Saxon grab ‘em by the tits and hump away nonsense. It’s why I’m such a success with the ladies.’

Uhtred was laughing. ‘Is that it now, I thought they just gave up because they felt sorry for you. Or maybe they don’t understand what you’re saying?’

‘Oh, my poor sweet Lord Uhtred, ye have so much to learn, we Irish are famed for our charms.’ He drew his horse close beside Uhtred’s and leaned over to nuzzle at his neck. ‘As ye should well know.’

‘So, what is your ideal maid?’ Uhtred laughed with a flush creeping up his neck.

‘Creamy skin,’ Finan said, keeping his horse close to Uhtred’s, ‘and dark hair like a raven’s wing, long of course. Ye know how I like long hair.’ He gave Uhtred a wink. ‘And I like a rounder girl, none of these skinny wenches, a nice pair of tits you can bury your face in.’ he sighed longingly. ‘Milk maids are best, they get the best of the milk and cheese, keeps them plump and because they’re in the cow shed they stay out the sun so their skin is soft and white like cream and ye can…’

‘You have a milk maid fetish,’ Uhtred said. ‘I hope you don’t want me to dress up as one.’

Finan looked very serious for a moment. ‘Aye, I might, lord. Ye’d look mighty good in a pinafore.’

They both burst out laughing and took their horses towards the spot where they always made camp in good weather, they could have staying at an inn but preferred the open when it was warm for the privacy it gave them, privacy they rarely got. Beside a rocky outcrop between woodland and a stream it was ideal, sheltered, with water and firewood nearby, well hidden from the road.

With the camp made and food eaten, they settled back on their furs next to the fire, weapon beside them, facing each other, passing a skein of ale between them, legs entangled.

‘So, have you humped all the dairy maids in Coccham?’ Uhtred asked. ‘Should I expect their angry fathers beating down the door?’

‘None,’ Finan shrugged. ‘I have a high standard in a dairy maid.’

‘Let me guess, Irish dairy maids are the best.’

‘Aye,’ said Finan with a faraway look in his eyes. 

Uhtred passed Finan the ale and watched him take a long swig. ‘I have seen you hump the blacksmith’s wife on Odda’s estate so do not pretend you have standards, my love.’

‘Me? You can talk, Brida told me she once found ye in a whore house with an old crone!’

‘That is not true! You should not listen to Brida, she talks out her arse.’ Uhtred smiled as Finan’s laughter returned. ‘But, I have humped some pretty surprising people.’

‘Really? What could you do that would shock me after all these years? Did you let Brida hump you with a cow’s horn?’

They both laughed. ‘I would not let woman anywhere near my arse!’

‘I bet I can top ye,’ Finan said, smirking.

‘You usually do.’

‘In more ways than one,’ Finan said, thumping Uhtred’s shoulder in retaliation for the poor joke. ‘So, Uhtred Ragnarson, who is the most surprising person, man or woman, alive or dead you have ever humped?’

‘You first, I’m worried if I tell you mine you’ll choke on your ale and I won’t hear yours. Which is bound to be a shit story because I know anyone you’ve humped, you love to tell me.’

‘Ye do not,’ Finan said looking pleased with himself.

‘Have you ever humped a nun?’

‘Of course.’

‘When?’

‘You remember when ye were negotiating weirgeld with Ragnar and the other priest at the nunnery we rescued Gisela from?’

‘Yes, we shouldn’t have bothered, lying turd still complained to Alfred,’ Uhtred said bitterly.

‘I humped the mother superior,’ Finan said smugly. ‘Against the kitchen door. That’s how I got that big ham from her.’

‘You’re just a little whore,’ Uhtred growled with affection, leaning into kiss Finan, nipping his bottom lip. ‘So, that is the most surprising?’

‘Not by a long shot, are you sure ye are ready for this. I know how you get over me.’

‘How do I get?’ Uhtred asked perturbed.

‘Oh, possessive, jealous, scowling at tavern girls. It’s very endearing to be honest, if a little obvious, even baby monk notices now,’ Finan laughed as Uhtred frowned, then kissed Finan’s forehead.

‘Tell me, I promise I won’t scowl at the poor girl.’

‘It’s not a girl.’

Uhtred rolled his eyes. ‘I won’t stab him then.’

‘Someone beat you to that I’m afraid.’

‘Now I’m intrigued,’ Uhtred said, beginning to unlace Finan’s bracers.

‘Do you remember when we went to Beamfleot to negotiate Aethelflead’s release?’

‘Yes, hang on if this is Aethelred…’

‘Urgh, what do you take me for? I would not put this,’ he pointed to his cock as Uhtred eased his bracers off and started to unlace his armour. ‘Near that pig’s arse. No, this was much better.’

‘I know this person?’

‘Oh yes, you certainly did,’ Finan grinned.

‘Heasten isn’t dead…’

‘And is a turd. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Uhtred, give me a little credit! Anyway, after we’d sat there all day negotiating ye insisted on seeing the bony arsed princess.’

‘She’s not bony arsed,’ Uhtred said looking perturbed.

‘She is, I like an arse I can hold on to when I’m humping. This is why you should try a milk maid, all that cheese and sitting gives them nice round arses.’

Uhtred rolled his eyes again. ‘On with your story!’

‘Oh, yeah, anyway you went off to look at the princess with Erik and concoct ye mad plans, which is why ye need me to keep you from rescuing bony princesses by the way.’

Uhtred huffed and lifted Finan’s armour off him. He was already free of his own armour and now snuggled into Finan’s chest pulling furs over them.

‘On with your story!’ Uhtred cried.

‘So, with ye and Erik off making sweet eyes at Aethelflead, the pig’s arse in the pig sty everyone else went to eat and drink. Except myself and…’

Finan grinned dragging out the moment.

‘Go on!’ Uhtred urged, then his face fell as the penny dropped.

‘Myself and Siegfried. Now, I have to tell ye – Uhtred close your mouth, you’ll catch flies – we’d been checking each other out all day, in between the bartering and he’s a well-built man. We’d checked each other out in Lundene too.’

‘That time he wanted to murder us?’

‘You have to let go of these things. So, he asked if I would like to wash in his room. He said Saxons smelled like goats shit and he knew a fine Irishman like me had better taste. So, we went to his room, which was a fine room as you would expect.’

‘Did he have a bed?’

‘Carved with Odin’s ravens if I recall and shields on the wall. He even had a mirror, polished bronze and a table with three wash bowls, one plain water, one ready soaped and one with lavender water.’

‘He is right about Saxons by the way.’

‘So ye keep telling me. So, I splashed my face with the plain water and he stripped.’

‘Finan, as I didn’t notice any stab wounds I’m assuming he took his knife off. You know the giant knife he wore where his hand used to be?’ Uhtred said shaking his head.

‘Aye, he put in on the table. Said we had plenty of time, we got naked and there ye go.’

‘You cannot stop the story there!’ Uhtred protested. ‘What did you do?’

‘Ye won’t be jealous?’ Finan teased lightly kissing Uhtred’s nose.

Uhtred pressed closer to Finan under the furs. ‘You know I won’t be, tell me.’

‘Darlin, ye getting riled up before I’ve even got to the good parts. Do ye think he was a good lover?’

‘You’re smiling so he must’ve been.’

‘He was. He put me down on his bed and kissed me, he’s a strong kisser, but gentle, then he kissed me all over. Christ, I wanted to get my hands on that body of his but he was kissing every inch of me and then he took me in his mouth.’ Uhtred rolled on top of Finan now, grinding against him and Finan groaned at the feel on Uhtred’s hard cock on his thigh. ‘I didn’t know where to put my hands, would he like them in his hair? Christ he was good, he licked my balls, sucked me long and hard, God, darlin’ yes,’ Uhtred was unlacing Finan now, taking his cock out. ‘And before I could worry about my hands I was coming down his throat.’

Uhtred was pulling at their trousers, trying to free their cocks. ‘And what did you do for him?’ he asked as he pushed Finan’s shirt up and started to kiss his chest.

‘I gave him a hand,’ Finan snorted and they both laughed.

‘You bastard, that was bad even for you.’

‘Ye’d love his cock, big and heavy and ahhh, yes, gods, yes.’ Uhtred had slithered down Finan’s body and taken the Irishman in his mouth. ‘Afterwards he said, Uhtred Ragnarson is a lucky man. God, yes, please, keep doing that.’

Finan grabbed Uhtred’s hair and buried his hands in it, trying to anchor himself as Uhtred’s mouth worked its magic. Uhtred didn’t lie with other men, he had sworn to Finan that he was the only one, but his mouth was more talented that any Finan had ever had. Uhtred’s hand pushed his legs apart, cupped his balls and stroked the sensitive skin behind them, the other hand working the base of his cock where his mouth couldn’t reach.

‘God, darlin’, I’m gonna spill, ye gonna make me spill, darlin’,’ he cried out before letting out a strangled cry as Uhtred’s increased pressure brought him over the edge.

‘Come here,’ Finan murmured, pulling Uhtred up and kissing him. ‘Gods, I love ye doing that, I love ye, ye fucker that ye are, but I do.’

‘Did he come over you?’ Uhtred asked, straddling Finan’s waist, stroking himself.

‘Aye, split over my belly, said I was an Irish god in his bed.’

‘You’re an Irish god in my bed, always,’ Uhtred grunted, working himself faster before giving a soft cry and pulsing over Finan’s taut stomach.

They lay catching their breath for a few moments and Finan wiped his stomach off on the grass before settling back down into the furs with Uhtred curled into his chest.

‘I can’t believe you never told me that before.’

‘Never seemed the right moment. And ye did kind of hate him.’

‘True, but he was …’

‘A sexy Norse pirate with a huge cock and a surprisingly gentle side?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘So, my very own sexy Danish pirate with a huge cock and surprisingly gentle side, who is your most surprising hump?’

‘You’ll never guess this one,’ Uhtred said with a wicked grin, propping himself up on his elbow.

‘If ye say Alfred, that’s not surprising, the pair of ye could hardly want each other more.’

‘I do not want Alfred!’ Uhtred protested.

‘Of course ye’ve humped nuns, Hild?’

‘It’s meant to be a surprise.’

‘This is someone I know?’

‘It is.’

‘It has to be before Gisela or she would chop ye balls off. I know ye’ve not laid with men but me…’

Uhtred nodded and grinned.

‘I know about Hild and Brida, I’m quite surprised she left ye with balls though, darlin’,’ Finan said kissing Uhtred’s head.

‘I’ll give you a clue, she lives in Winchester.’

Finan frowned, puzzled. ‘Thyra is ye sister, I know not by blood.’

‘Odin’s balls! No, Finan! No!’ Uhtred spluttered, appalled.

‘Alright, alright. In Winchester. Oh, ye didn’t break in Aethelflead, did ye?’ he grinned.

‘No, I did not.’ Uhtred sounded almost offended.

‘Alright, sorry for suggesting you humped her bony arse. I don’t know any other women in Winchester, apart from tavern girls and some very fine whores but they would not count as a surprise.’

‘Aelswith.’

‘Huh?’

‘Aelswith.’

‘What?’ Finan said blankly.

‘Alfred’s wife, Aelswith, the wife of the king of Wessex.’

‘I know who she is, Uhtred.’

‘You didn’t mention her. She is a woman in Winchester.’

‘Alright,’ Finan said, grabbing the skein of ale and draining it. ‘Aelswith. Happy now?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good.’

‘Yes, I mean yes.’

‘Yes what? What do ye mean yes to?’

‘Yes, it was her.’

‘What?’ Finan’s eyes widened.

‘I humped Aelswith.’ Uhtred grinned, he was enjoying look of horror spreading over Finan’s face.

‘How?’ Finan managed to get out. ‘She hates ye.’

‘She does, doesn’t she? Well.’ Uhtred reached for their packs and another skein of ale and passed it to Finan who glugged it greedily. He then settled back down to tell his story to his astonished lover.

‘It was when I was married to Mildrith, they used to pray together in the chapel at Winchester, I was always getting lectures about God, about my sinful ways. Aelswith used to fill Mildrith’s head with this nonsense. Then one night Mildrith told me Aelswith even felt sorry for her having to take my seed.’ Finan snorted at that. ‘Midrith liked to hump well enough, though she was no Gisela.’

‘Who is?’ Finan asked kissing the cross around his neck. ‘God love her.’

Uhtred too sent a silent prayer for his wife at home in Coccham and touched the hammer around his neck.

‘More and more over the next few days Mildrith told me Aelswith has been asking how I plough her, if I use wicked pagan ways, what heathens do, if my godlessness extends to humping. It got to the point that poor Mildrith neither wanted to hump me nor go to the chapel. So, I paid Lady Aelswith a visit.’

‘Ye never did!’

‘I did, I waited until after one of their long prayer sessions and followed her back to her rooms. I knocked and asked for a private word about prayer, she looked shocked but she let me in. then I asked her why she was so interested in hearing from my wife how I lay with her.’

Finan guffawed. ‘No, did she have ye clapped in irons?’

‘She looked like she wanted to. She went bright red like a slice of meat and insisted she had not. So, I reeled off the questions she had asked Mildrith. Do pagans look at the woman they hump or do it like dogs? Do pagans remove their clothes when they plough a woman? Do pagans indulge in the filthy sin of humping the mouth? Do pagans spill their seed outside the body? Do pagans care for a woman’s pleasure?

‘She told me they were questions of doctrinal import to prevent my wife from sinning. I said then she would not mind if I answered them. I swear her face was redder than a robin’s breast. I stood tall in the door and listed the answers.

‘We hump in many positions, we remove our clothes whenever we can, I personally love to lick a woman’s cunt and spill on her tits and I care for a woman’s pleasure most of all.’

‘Ye making this up, this is a great jest!’ Finan cried, pulling Uhtred by the head. They jostled for a few moments, laughing.

‘I swear this is true, on my life, I swear it.’

‘What did she do when you said all this?’

‘She barred the door and told me she was here and that I would ravage her as I was a heathen and that’s what we did. She said go on, I am unguarded and alone, take me, like you pagans take Christian women everywhere.’

‘And did you?’ Finan asked incredulous.

‘No, I sat on a chair and began to read her scripture book. I listened to her rant like this for a few minutes then put the book down and said, lady, if you want me to hump you, you will have to ask. I am no savage.’

‘And what did she do?’

‘She paced up and down for what seemed like an age while I pretended to read the scripture book, she is surprisingly attractive when she’s angry and turned on.’ Finan began to cough and splutter. ‘Well, this was a long time ago. So, eventually she stands before me and says, do it then.’

‘Do it?’

‘I said, lady, what am I to do? I am but a heathen savage, you must tell me what it is you require of me. So, so got down on her knees to me and said Uhtred of Bebbenbugh, take me as a man takes a woman, do the things you spoke of. Then she lowered her eyes and waited.’

‘You didn’t…’

‘I did,’ Uhtred grinned triumphantly. ‘I lifted her up gently, undressed her and we humped like rabbits for the rest of the day.’

‘I can’t believe I’ve had it in my MOUTH!’

‘What?’

‘Ye cock. I’ve had ye cock in my mouth and it’s been in her… Christ, I bet it’s like a fanged serpent down there, I’m surprised ye still have a cock.’

‘Oh, Finan,’ Uhtred shook his head, laughing. ‘You have no idea… under that hideous dress she has the most amazing tits, like creamy pillows and full of milk and her arse is… round like you like it. Lovely, lovely to grab when you’re ploughing her and her cunt was wet, so wet and tasted like…’

‘STOP! No more! No more! Don’t you dare say another word, I will never be able to lie with ye again then Gisela will wonder what’s wrong and then we’ll have to tell her and she won’t be able to lie with ye again and …’

Uhtred threw his head back and laughed. ‘At least she doesn’t have an actual knife for a hand.’

‘That is ye fault and he took it off! And he’s not… urghhh. I can’t believe you Uhtred! Ye have scared me for life, so ye have!’

‘Do you want me to make it up to you?’

‘Ye gonna need to do something pretty special.’

‘What about when we get home I tell Gisela to let me ride you and she can sit on your face for a change?’

‘She might not like that,’ Finan said, grinning. ‘You know how fond she is of this routine since she’s with child.’

‘She likes it,’ Uhtred smiled. ‘I do. Anyway, she can’t always be on your cock, I need my turn.’

Finan lay back and let Uhtred kiss him, then abruptly stopped. ‘Sorry, it’s just… did you have to, down there.’

‘If it makes you feel better she tried to have me disembowelled the next day.’

‘Were you that bad?’

‘No! I am telling you, Finan, her cunt was throbbing…’

‘Never, never use that phrase about her again. Oh god, the image. I can’t unsee it!’ he cried covering his eyes as Uhtred laughed. ‘Why are ye doing this to me? Why? Don’t ye love me anymore?’

‘I love you ‘til Ragnarök and beyond, my love.’ Uhtred snuggled up to Finan. ‘She does have a great arse though.’

‘Ye know what worst thing is?’ Finan mused as they snuggled under the furs to sleep as the fire ebbed and the moon rose completely, the glowing horizon giving way to night’s black cloak. ‘if I tell anyone I’ll either be strung for treason or locked up as a madman.’

**Author's Note:**

> Post Script: Finan suffers from recurring nightmares for the rest of his life.


End file.
